Thursday, April 1, 2010

IPAD takes over the world

You may have heard about the upcoming April 3, release of Apple's new Ipad, the world's most expensive feminine hygiene product. But in case you haven't been keeping up with the computer company and seller of the iPhone's attempts to recreate the very nature of reading and writing, here's the most recent news from Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple.

(AP) April 1, San Francisco: Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs announced today in advance of the release of the company's newest gadget, the iPad, that "henceforth, publishing and writing will be a totally different experience, an experience completely controlled by yours truly."

The publishing industry has been rampant with rumors over the past year in expectation of the impact of the iPad on their business models, and today they were given the word from Jobs. "Publishing as we know it is dead," Jobs intoned. "The dinosaurs of the business have just been hit with a comet called the iPad and the iBookstore. No longer will elitist, effeminate, east coast liberal editors be in control of what you read. Writers as well will need to adjust to the new world order."

When asked just what this new paradigm would mean for writers, Jobs replied, "For years people have taken as writ that getting rid of the middleman would lower prices and increase efficiency. We at Apple are all about efficiency, but rather than get rid of the middleman, which is us, we chose to get rid of the front end of the publishing process, that is the writer. Writers will still exist, someone has to supply the drivel that will sell on the iBookstore and be read on the iPad, but they will no longer be paid. In this new world writers are a dime a dozen and Apple would just as soon keep that dime. Writers will instead work for free, competing for the honor of having their words seen on an iPad. Experience is king, content is meaningless. I mean, can you really call writing work, anyway? Sitting on your rear-end all day, pecking away at the keyboard of your Macbook pro, which by the way will be required of all contributors, that they compose on an Apple product."

Jobs went on to remark about the origins of this shift in creativity and intellectual property, which will be the sole property of Apple inc. "We got the idea from the adjunct professor model used in most American colleges and universities. Most people don't realize it, but 60-70% of college-level classes are taught by tempts working for reduced rate parking passes."

I don't know about you, but I think it's about time someone brought the unruly writers of this world to heel. For too long they have been holding us hostage by demanding to be paid for their so-called "work." J.K. Rowling, author of the celebrated Harry Potter series, the tale of a boy wizard and his magic stick, became a billionaire pedaling her writing. But do you really believe people bought her books because they enjoyed reading about Harry's exploits against the dark wizard Lord Voldemort? Of course not. Books are not about content, they are about experience. It's the choice of font and the feel of the crisp paper that draws people to reading. Ms. Rowling's contribution was relatively minor, yet she gets all the accolades. And with the iPad, the experience will be even greater. You can't turn a real book on its side and have the picture flip like you can on an iPad.

Yes, I for one welcome the new world order. I have an iPod, and life has never been this fantastic. The iPad can only make things better. And did you know that Random House publishing is owned by a German corporation? Jobs is a true patriot for putting them out of business.

April Fools!
Is this really necessary to write?